“If you go back you’re going back to die.” That’s what I was told when I expressed my wish/thoughts of going back to china amidst the initial outbreak of COVID-19 . Not only was I going back to my job, but my friends, my students, and opportunity. Now of course I did not think of myself dying. I had concerns and a great awareness of the risk but dying “impossible”
I am a smart cookie so I’ve been told. I am careful and take precautions, i would have done everything in my power to be safe and stayed on top of new developments and stayed in constant communication with those oversees getting myself prepared to return. Nonetheless, time went by I prolonged a bit. Maybe I was hoping the comments of my impending death or worry of death would be subdued. Maybe it was my way to please so I could feel less guilty for the worry I would cause. As days passed, I would not realize until it was too late that my opportunity and hard work would so quickly slip away from me. I have come to realize that not only was I hoping to return to my job, students, friends, obligations, responsibilities but I was going back to my independence, my growth, and development. I was going back to a life that I had built on my own for myself. I was going back to something I could be proud of I was “adult- ting”. Living the life I wanted to live for me. I was finally taking steps in getting a grasp of what to do with my career and life. Sort of finding my place in the world. I had put a lot of effort into making a life for myself, (blood, sweat, and tears as one would say) and now it’s gone.
How do I move forward and pick up the pieces? Where do I even start? How does one climb out of the hole of self-sabotage and regret? I can say that COVID does not have a hold on me but regret and disappointment do and I couldn’t possibly begin to figure out which one has caused me the most conflict. My predicament is all I can think about as if I have a 24-hour news cycle running through my mind and not of news of COVID but my own depression, destruction, and despair. Starting over is hard like running a race uphill only to trip and fall and roll right back down to the starting line. My opportunity, my development, and growth stunted and set-back for how long? How long will my recovery take? So many more unanswered questions. Questions that were already present before and may stay long after this pandemic is over.
“If you go back you are going back to die.”
I’m here and I don’t feel very alive.”
My Green Ribbon 