Advised to keep my issues to myself. This was to refrain from being judged and labeled.
My work performance in some areas had been suffering a bit. I shared with my superiors that I was having issues both Mentally and Physical and that I was willing to accept any suggestions closing my email with thank you for your support and understanding.
Well I never received an answer to that email. So out of sight out of mind just to continue on like I always did hobbling along the best I could hoping for things to get better.
I have moved on, but the conversation and experience has stayed with me.
I learned despite how much we say as a people and not just in the work place when we say we are here to support and help do we really mean it or do we just want to appear nice.
We as coworkers can still be supportive while still remaining professional.
I have recently learned that my particular strain of DnA (Depression and Anxiety) has moments of selfishness. For someone who considers themselves a high functioning green individual I often find it very easy and convenient to put DnA in the nearest drawer to deal with at a later date. No problem right.” But what happens when life, work or family accidentally opens the drawer? Your then trying to multitask; putting DnA back in the drawer and trekking on with the day to day. Cause you don’t have time for DnA or any of their mental health relatives getting in your way or taking up all your time there’s more important things to be done. But then after chasing them around a bit you may stop and realize “hey maybe they are worth my time.” There apart of you wether you like or not. Dealing with it means dealing with yourself and your own needs. That’s when you realize being a little selfish isn’t so bad.
Our actions may not always show it but sometimes our mental health can have a funny way of showing us that you need to stop and take care of number 1. When your feeling like you’re on the verge of spiraling. Thats the sign to put yourself and your health at the top of that to do list. Stop, take a moment, self reflect, or step away, be the loneliest number. Your number one and being number one is to be a winner.
World Fair Trade Day is on the second Saturday of May and its purpose is to celebrate the contributions to the fight against poverty, exploitation, and climate change.
With the passing of World and National Fair Trade Day. I was reminded of the popular song by Drake and Travis Scott Fair Trade. Now the song and the holiday have nothing in common besides a name, I can attest that at times day to day living with a mental health disorder can become labor intensive.
“Peace of mind ” A much sought after commodity and in many cases It doesn’t come easy. What action must be taken to obtain peace of mind. medication, lifestyle changes , family, friends. The last can be the hardest who can get better without a support system. Sometime people can be the very thing delaying your journey and in some cases cutting people out of your life no matter how much you care for them. Sometimes this happens intentionally sometimes not. There is potential for fallout for decisions like this, but never feel bad about doing whats best for you for your own health. Just remember putting ones self first for peace and happiness is the better trade off.
-you cant get better in the same place that made you sick. –
Symptoms they don’t talk about are a lot of times the minor ones that can go unnoticed or even ones that don’t appear to be a symptom at all. There is the nail biting, the foot tapping, or maybe even head scratching, but those are just habits not symptoms of anything. Well with such habits being that minor it can be difficult to even recognize your own symptoms or even recognize the onset of an anxiety attack.
In all of my years dealing with mental illness it was a friend who lives nearly 10,000 miles away to help me recognize my actions as symptoms and that I was having an attack. I wasn’t hyperventilating, or sweating excessively, or nauseated. No, I was up in my mothers apartment at 3 in the morning cooking and cleaning. I don’t mean just your standard tidying up. I was full on sweeping, moping, and scrubbing. I was making food as if preparing for a dinner party. By the time my attack was over I had managed to make tacos, chicken, deviled eggs and apple sauce from scratch. As I reflect on this incident I can feel the budding tension in my chest rise. (So apparently just thinking about attacks brings on attacks too noted. )
So this observation that had been pointed out made me pause and think, this can’t be a panic attack. I just cant sleep so might as well get some tasks done, that will tire me out. Then once I’m tired I’ll have to pass out. But that’s just it. I am so restless that I have decided to do these tasks to force my body and mind to shut down. In a way this is just my mind and body’s way of distracting me and avoiding the real issue of what has me up. In all my distractions I was not able to even fathom there was a problem till it was brought to my attention. Sometimes it takes a person from the outside to put your actions into perspective so you can clearly see the problems you’re not ready to face because you’re up at 3 in the morning preparing for a dinner party. It’s also pretty eye opening on how the mind or body will come up with actions to cope or protect itself or cry for help. I can see why you wouldn’t talk about a symptom if you don’t even know there is one.
A friend is what the heart needs all the time. – Henry Van Dyke
Now that you have been formally introduced to Zac it is fitting to get a bit of his origin story.
During the late 1960’s doctors were working on different treatments for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). One particularly thing that continued to come up was a decrease of Serotonin levels in patients.
Serotonin has many functions and jobs, one being a neurotransmitter (messenger). As we all know messengers in many cases are very important, (please refrain from shooting), Serotonin is that messenger which communicates anything from, mood, eating, sleeping and digestion. Which sounds like a lot of opportunity for things to go left.
Imagine your body and nerves like the pony express. There are various riders at a particular checkpoint to get messages to its final destination, i.e a message to the brain to put you in a good mood. Well what happens if one of your riders or many riders gets lost or stuck ? Your brain won’t be getting the message bye bye good mood.
In the case of patients having a down mood as well as low levels of serotonin what could happen if that level was increased?
This is where Zac comes in. The extra force needed to unblock the dammed river. or be the increase of needed riders to deliver to deliver happy messages to the brain. On the flip side unblocking a dam can cause a major increase of messengers/serotonin flowing in and that has its own set of problems.
“Dam Destroyer” By 1987 a concentrated form of Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI ) [1] would be approved by the USFDA.
Zac hit the market and was quickly seen as a “wonder drug”
Zac was introduced at a time where the pharmaceutical industry was shifting how they market their products. Previously pharmaceuticals usually went to doctors and health providers to market their products in hope of getting more doctors to use their products for prescription and treatment. The 1980s saw a change to Direct-to-Consumer (DTC) advertising. Now potential patients were seeing what products could be made available to them instead of solely relying on their doctor for treatment options. 🚩
The introduction of Prozac into the mass market also opened up opportunity for people to speak publicly on mental illness especially in regards to depression or anxiety. In some respects Zac became “trendy” (he had a book and movie deal talk about a Hollywood star.”) Because Prozac was believed to work so well patients as well as the public put a lot of faith into the drug to easily cure these issues. With such rave reviews pretty hard to imagine any downsides to something so wonderful.
Esherick, Joan. (2007). Prozac: North American Culture and the Wonder Drug. Mason Crest Publishers Inc
Because of you I laugh a little harder, cry a little less and smile a little more. -unknown
Smile more
For many suffering from some form of mental illness it’s not surprising that laughing and smiling more while crying less would be a goal to shoot for.
But how does one go about finding that thing or things that will bring on the smiles and laughter while wiping the tears.
Is it family, friends, exercise, diet?
Well just like you, I too ask myself the same question while seeking out what will best assist me in evading the psychiatric rabbit hole I often find myself in.
With that said I would like to introduce you to a friend of mine Zac. I’m sure you have heard of him, maybe you have even met him or even requested him in order to gain a bit of his magic. Maybe you guys hit if off or maybe despite all his efforts you both weren’t able to stay close despite his efforts.
Now for a little guy ,weighing in about 40 milligrams and sometimes in either green, blue or orange bottoms, he was quite the heavyweight its like depression never stood a chance .
Just a single encounter and boom you have the strength and tools to easily knock down the dam blocking the serotonin river gaining that happiness which you never thought you feel again.
When he first burst onto the seen he was described as being a miracle he was all the craze and everyone wanted a piece.
And rightfully so who wouldn’t want to just have one dose of Zac and instantly be happy again.
Like i said unfortunately I have to be honest with you he means well but he’s not always able to deliver. Not all rivers flow the same and sometimes it takes Zac with some additional reinforcements for the river to flow once more.
And honestly why should he? That’s a lot of pressure on him obviously ,and we all know happiness takes a bit more work.
And this is not to take anything away from Zac just because he’s not perfect doesn’t mean he’s not a good friend. He is very much still there to assist if you should need him. He still provides a lot of the relief, and continues to be that extra assistance people needs. He is still very much popular and still very much a heavy hitter in the mental illness battle. He was responsible for changing the game in the field of psychology as well as how we go about recovery bringing on new laws, requirement and insight to the field of mental health. Because of his presence , he created a path for his associates whom would follow.
People now have much more access to information and many more choices in how they fight this battle or unblock the dam. It then just becomes the mission of finding and selecting the right tools.
Happy Pills
Esherick, Joan. (2007). Prozac: North American Culture and the Wonder Drug. Mason Crest Publishers Inc.
“If you go back you’re going back to die.” That’s what I was told when I expressed my wish/thoughts of going back to china amidst the initial outbreak of COVID-19 . Not only was I going back to my job, but my friends, my students, and opportunity. Now of course I did not think of myself dying. I had concerns and a great awareness of the risk but dying “impossible”
I am a smart cookie so I’ve been told. I am careful and take precautions, i would have done everything in my power to be safe and stayed on top of new developments and stayed in constant communication with those oversees getting myself prepared to return. Nonetheless, time went by I prolonged a bit. Maybe I was hoping the comments of my impending death or worry of death would be subdued. Maybe it was my way to please so I could feel less guilty for the worry I would cause. As days passed, I would not realize until it was too late that my opportunity and hard work would so quickly slip away from me. I have come to realize that not only was I hoping to return to my job, students, friends, obligations, responsibilities but I was going back to my independence, my growth, and development. I was going back to a life that I had built on my own for myself. I was going back to something I could be proud of I was “adult- ting”. Living the life I wanted to live for me. I was finally taking steps in getting a grasp of what to do with my career and life. Sort of finding my place in the world. I had put a lot of effort into making a life for myself, (blood, sweat, and tears as one would say) and now it’s gone.
How do I move forward and pick up the pieces? Where do I even start? How does one climb out of the hole of self-sabotage and regret? I can say that COVID does not have a hold on me but regret and disappointment do and I couldn’t possibly begin to figure out which one has caused me the most conflict. My predicament is all I can think about as if I have a 24-hour news cycle running through my mind and not of news of COVID but my own depression, destruction, and despair. Starting over is hard like running a race uphill only to trip and fall and roll right back down to the starting line. My opportunity, my development, and growth stunted and set-back for how long? How long will my recovery take? So many more unanswered questions. Questions that were already present before and may stay long after this pandemic is over.
While in my head as thoughts race back and forth, up, down and sideways this quote pops up out of nowhere which gets me thinking even more. Thinking is something I constantly do all day, everyday, real things, imaginary things, made up things, things from ten years ago just obsessing and obsessing. I guess that’s just Anxiety disorder for ya lol. Oh yeah I forgot to mention Anxiety is another one of my green satin accessorized ailments, which is really a convoluted way of saying your mind constantly likes to make things up and make you believe they are real.
So…let me get back to the real…..Descartes, french philosopher, basically he was stating that we are humans can not doubt our existence because because an ability to doubt, shows a level of thought (what I say brain activity) proves their is an entity of some sort (humans) able to conduct the thinking process. Alright cool……don’t believe I ever doubted my existence maybe regretted, grieved or disapprove but doubt no. Really what I was thinking, if the act of thinking is what proves who I am, then I must need to worry about believing I am what I think of myself. This brings us right back to one of the major issues of a person with anxiety faces,……………can you think of anything
……………….
yup you guess it,
Thinkiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg
exclamation point !
Now lets see if I take what I think now, I would describe myself as crazy, delusional, unstable, insecure, irrational, disoriented, smart,naive, compassionate, but a smart ass, welcoming, but standoffish, tolerant but elusive and a laundry list of other things that I am to lazy to list. Anyways what I’m trying to say is their is a slight, but large issue with me which pertain to my thoughts, mostly when it comes to myself.
sigh : (
oh what to do. besides taking meds to settle brain activity ……..but I digress. If there is something that I have realized that my thinking, our thinking, has a profound impact on how we function day to day. Now I won’t lie, (well i could but that’s not very nice) that to change one’s thinking can be challenging but it is possible, one thought at a time. I say take what Rene says relish in your own existence, because the alternative is “to not think therefore you are not,”(that’s weird). Realize that we exist and continue to for some reason at the minimum at least one. And since zero has no value I going to go and say one is a good place to start.
My Green Ribbon 