Like many other fans I recently felt the emotional weight of the recent death of musician Chester Bennington. And like millions of others I was very saddened to hear about his death hearing of another human being who no longer could take the internal struggle and war which plagues and claims many, chose to end his life. Suicide in my opinion as well as experience can be a very umpleasent thing to talk about, apart from the darkness and sadness the may plague a potential victim there is also words which get thrown around such as selfish, pain, suffering why, saddness, heartache, and maybe even more why’s. Then when the words turn into questions, why give up? why cause your loved ones pain?, why leave a void in the world for those who will miss you?, then it can become unbearable.
All i have to offer is sympathy and empathy for those who feel this way, those whom are deeply affected when something like this occurs.On the other side of this tragedy I make a desperate plea on behalf of myself and maybe for those who have entertained the idea or even sucumb to the act of suicide.
When confronted with the subject I often come across the why do that to your family? why would you want to leave them sad? why take yourself away? how could they be so selfish and yes I agree it’s all of those things, I too would be sadden to have such a tragic loss. What also troubles me is the things I don’t hear, I hope he or she finds peace, is there something that could have been done what are the signs ,and what are the things we can all do to help us with our loved ones who have these deep issues.
Maybe that’s selfish and maybe i am missing something or just being a hypocrite. I suppose that’s a fitting analysis being a person who has often thought of the same end. I’m right in with the rest of the lot and I can accept that. I most definitely would hate to see my parents, my family and loved ones distraught over my untimely death; no that would not bring me happiness as I’m certain it brings no joy to anyone who has been in this predicament.
One thing that I find myself very sad and distraught to know, this also what compels me to write this is that my family would find anger and sadness towards me I find that deeply troubling and confusingin this instance i find the tables turning on me and i am the one asking why?
I think back to the year of 2009, a year filled with days where I often found myself stagnant trapped in a continuous haze and fog. It seemed that time itself slowed to a point where for extended periods of time I was physically unable to remove myself from my bed, times where bathing became a laborious chore, school and work were irrelevant and pointless. Time passing me by and I; wondering what happened and how did I get here and when is “this” whatever “it” is going to end. Thinking of that I imagine how can anybody especially my family or anyone be content with a shell of a person a person who lacks all motivation to even perform the most basic functions for one’s self, a person who lacks all motivation to do much of anything if they be content then I guess that’s what family is for and I appreciate the joy in that, but I ask myself is that truly anyway to live is it even living at all.
Now I will not pretend to have had anything near the type of trauma or experiences that Mr Bennington may have have suffered. If any of his 41 years were filled with days and years like mine I can’t imagine the amount of Agony, pain ,and depression as well as the guilt he may felt. Days where he may have felt like a burden to his family and those around him maybe feeling like a zombie someone just walking through life completely devoid of all consciousness maybe he had been filled with so much pain the continuous darkness transforming him into a shell of his former self.
Lacking and feeling sub par to what he should be to himself and his family I know for someone like me I would think “why subject these feelings and state of mind to those I love most,” to those I love most watch me someone in that state day by day or intently knowing that they are doing everything in their power to be everything to you but simply can’t has this continuous darkness claiming every bit of light he tries to seek and vision. Is that enough to make him or anyone rationalize that maybe the best thing that he could do for those around him and for himself is to accept and everlasting stillness and peace.
“I’m sure things will be better no one will have to be way down there will be no more pain maybe just a bit when this body is gone but will my family be okay knowing that there’s a chance for it to pass and that and that will be worth it if so then maybe they can forgive me for the small transgression I hope they know that I did it for them and as much as for me know that I love you and I never meant to hurt them to hurt you and yes I know it will be hard at first but I did it so that we wouldn’t have to bear pain for a lifetime and maybe one day you will understand that my life was no way to live maybe you will take that and make your life better, be better than me and make your life better for you than I could for myself with that I leave you and may we both find peace.”
Yes, very frightening stuff, but it doesn’t have to be. The human brain is a very complex organ and takes a bit of time and patience to fully understand. It seems kind of impossible to not have some road bumps along the way. And that just what it is, a bump, a small infraction in our life long journey. And weather you suffer or know someone who suffers from such an illness, I ask that you walk side by side with them in this journey of life as they battle this illness. And if you got a minute to spare I say drop in to walk with me too. I look forward to it.
My Green Ribbon 