writing – My Green Ribbon

coping skills, insomnia, Mental health, recovery, Uncategorized

The Uninvited Guest

Posted on January 31, 2022January 31, 2022 by Rose

Symptoms they don’t talk about are a lot of times the minor ones that can go unnoticed or even ones that don’t appear to be a symptom at all. There is the nail biting, the foot tapping, or maybe even head scratching, but those are just habits not symptoms of anything. Well with such habits being that minor it can be difficult to even recognize your own symptoms or even recognize the onset of an anxiety attack.

In all of my years dealing with mental illness it was a friend who lives nearly 10,000 miles away to help me recognize my actions as symptoms and that I was having an attack. I wasn’t hyperventilating, or sweating excessively, or nauseated. No, I was up in my mothers apartment at 3 in the morning cooking and cleaning. I don’t mean just your standard tidying up. I was full on sweeping, moping, and scrubbing. I was making food as if preparing for a dinner party. By the time my attack was over I had managed to make tacos, chicken, deviled eggs and apple sauce from scratch. As I reflect on this incident I can feel the budding tension in my chest rise. (So apparently just thinking about attacks brings on attacks too noted. )

So this observation that had been pointed out made me pause and think, this can’t be a panic attack. I just cant sleep so might as well get some tasks done, that will tire me out. Then once I’m tired I’ll have to pass out. But that’s just it. I am so restless that I have decided to do these tasks to force my body and mind to shut down. In a way this is just my mind and body’s way of distracting me and avoiding the real issue of what has me up. In all my distractions I was not able to even fathom there was a problem till it was brought to my attention. Sometimes it takes a person from the outside to put your actions into perspective so you can clearly see the problems you’re not ready to face because you’re up at 3 in the morning preparing for a dinner party. It’s also pretty eye opening on how the mind or body will come up with actions to cope or protect itself or cry for help. I can see why you wouldn’t talk about a symptom if you don’t even know there is one.

Mental health, Uncategorized

Friends Like Mine: The Introduction of Zac and the S.S.R.I. crew

Posted on October 12, 2021October 17, 2021 by Rose

Because of you I laugh a little harder, cry a little less and smile a little more. -unknown

For many suffering from some form of mental illness it’s not surprising that laughing and smiling more while crying less would be a goal to shoot for.

But how does one go about finding that thing or things that will bring on the smiles and laughter while wiping the tears.

Is it family, friends, exercise, diet?

Well just like you, I too ask myself the same question while seeking out what will best assist me in evading the psychiatric rabbit hole I often find myself in.

With that said I would like to introduce you to a friend of mine Zac. I’m sure you have heard of him, maybe you have even met him or even requested him in order to gain a bit of his magic. Maybe you guys hit if off or maybe despite all his efforts you both weren’t able to stay close despite his efforts.

Now for a little guy ,weighing in about 40 milligrams and sometimes in either green, blue or orange bottoms, he was quite the heavyweight its like depression never stood a chance .

Just a single encounter and boom you have the strength and tools to easily knock down the dam blocking the serotonin river gaining that happiness which you never thought you feel again.

When he first burst onto the seen he was described as being a miracle he was all the craze and everyone wanted a piece.

And rightfully so who wouldn’t want to just have one dose of Zac and instantly be happy again.

Like i said unfortunately I have to be honest with you he means well but he’s not always able to deliver. Not all rivers flow the same and sometimes it takes Zac with some additional reinforcements for the river to flow once more.

And honestly why should he? That’s a lot of pressure on him obviously ,and we all know happiness takes a bit more work.

And this is not to take anything away from Zac just because he’s not perfect doesn’t mean he’s not a good friend. He is very much still there to assist if you should need him. He still provides a lot of the relief, and continues to be that extra assistance people needs. He is still very much popular and still very much a heavy hitter in the mental illness battle. He was responsible for changing the game in the field of psychology as well as how we go about recovery bringing on new laws, requirement and insight to the field of mental health. Because of his presence , he created a path for his associates whom would follow.

People now have much more access to information and many more choices in how they fight this battle or unblock the dam. It then just becomes the mission of finding and selecting the right tools.

Esherick, Joan. (2007). Prozac: North American Culture and the Wonder Drug. Mason Crest Publishers Inc.

Uncategorized

“Another Drive By”

Posted on March 17, 2017April 15, 2017 by Rose

I walk aimlessly through the darkness with not a care in the world. I walk looking up towards the sky as music travels through the extended arm of my phone to my ear canal in an attempt to blast away any outside thoughts, noises or even the presence of others.

Oblivious to the world I am …..

Without noticing the large dark colored vehicle following me ever so closely it would seem. It must have been tailing me because it knew exactly where to strike.

BAM before I could ever react…. it hit me.

The only thing I felt was my body lying there in complete darkness, motionless the only thing I could feel was the tears well up in my eyes and roll down past my cheeks.Then I think how did I get here again in the same position I have found myself several times. I guess if I could figure that out I would be able to dodge this a lot better. Then again how would anyone dodge something which has attached itself so effectively and lies in wait ready to strike. But maybe the lesson here is not to but how to get back up when you have fallen.

Uncategorized

I am what I think……..maybe?

Posted on December 2, 2016 by Rose

“I think therefore I am”

-Rene Descartes

While in my head as thoughts race back and forth, up, down and sideways this quote pops up out of nowhere which gets me thinking even more. Thinking is something I constantly do all day, everyday, real things, imaginary things, made up things, things from ten years ago just obsessing and obsessing. I guess that’s just Anxiety disorder for ya lol. Oh yeah I forgot to mention Anxiety is another one of my green satin accessorized ailments, which is really a convoluted way of saying your mind constantly likes to make things up and make you believe they are real.

So…let me get back to the real…..Descartes, french philosopher, basically he was stating that we are humans can not doubt our existence because because an ability to doubt, shows a level of thought (what I say brain activity) proves their is an entity of some sort (humans) able to conduct the thinking process. Alright cool……don’t believe I ever doubted my existence maybe regretted, grieved or disapprove but doubt no. Really what I was thinking, if the act of thinking is what proves who I am, then I must need to worry about believing I am what I think of myself. This brings us right back to one of the major issues of a person with anxiety faces,……………can you think of anything

……………….

yup you guess it,

Thinkiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg

exclamation point !

Now lets see if I take what I think now, I would describe myself as crazy, delusional, unstable, insecure, irrational, disoriented, smart,naive, compassionate, but a smart ass, welcoming, but standoffish, tolerant but elusive and a laundry list of other things that I am to lazy to list. Anyways what I’m trying to say is their is a slight, but large issue with me which pertain to my thoughts, mostly when it comes to myself.

sigh : (

oh what to do. besides taking meds to settle brain activity ……..but I digress. If there is something that I have realized that my thinking, our thinking, has a profound impact on how we function day to day. Now I won’t lie, (well i could but that’s not very nice) that to change one’s thinking can be challenging but it is possible, one thought at a time. I say take what Rene says relish in your own existence, because the alternative is “to not think therefore you are not,”(that’s weird). Realize that we exist and continue to for some reason at the minimum at least one. And since zero has no value I going to go and say one is a good place to start.

Rose (Girl who wears a green ribbon)